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A trip to the cinema has never been more painful
I saw Twilight Eclipse, yes I admit it. Despite being threatened by friends that by watching it, I would embody hypocrisy since I go on about how bad the first two Twilight movies were. Anyone who isn’t familiar with the Twilight Series I will give you a quick summary of the movies. It basically is the combination of android esque, robotic acting mixed with a horrifically odd storyline. So why is it so popular you ask? Its popularity is summed up by the two main male parts played by the Vampire (Edward Cullen) and the werewolf (Jacob.) Huge masses of teenage girls obsess over the two male parts as if they embody beauty. The reality is that Jacob the werewolf just got a haircut and muscles in the new film which leads to further coo’ing from the teen masses. It’s a sad thought that a Hollywood ‘blockbuster’ really comes down to the two main ‘heart throbs’ of the film. But to the films credit, it is incredibly successful playing on the shallow nature of the population. How admirable.
Back to the film Eclipse, it follows on from the two piles of junkyard storytelling that followed like the script was based on the endearing thought process of an imaginative seven year old. Normally I would say: ‘I don’t want to spoil the film for anybody watching’ but if Twilight was a three course dinner it would be aptly compared to regurgitated houmas followed by a splodge of vomit. Jacob the Werewolf scrunches his nose throughout the film to add to his ‘new look’ but it just makes him look confused and constipated at the same time as if he was confused as to why he was constipated. Edward the vampire is pale and just has an empty look on his face as if he was contemplating suicide or contemplating moving to Switzerland, either choice as excruciating as each other. The movie then follows ‘Bella,’ the female lead in the film and she must choose between suicidal Edward and constipated Jacob.
There are a few other noticeable moments in the film. The werewolves funnily enough are a bunch of Native Americans as if the freakish ability to shape shift into a vicious dog is reserved for the ethnic minorities. They also like the lead werewolf Jacob have six packs which is apparently some sort of cosmic requirement to be a werewolf (so is having lightly cooked skin to absolute brown perfection.) Whilst their sworn enemies, the vampires consist of a group of pale faced people. Which throws up its own racial implications. If I wanted to be a vampire do I have to be white or pale? It’s these kinds of philosophical questions that Twilight throws up. Food for thought you could say or in other words utterly pointless rubbish to clog up your brain with. To sum it all up the irritating smirk of Edward Cullen is definitely the worst part of the film. It’s that kind of 'bullets can't touch me' attitude that appeals to the anger cells in your brain making you wanting to damage Edward.
Twilight Eclipse is the epitome of how hype can transform a movie. The constant hyperbole of its ‘greatness’ is repeated in peoples ears until you beg them to stop. Thus leading to everyone thinking it is a ‘great’ film. When really it’s just pure, mind numbing punishment. In fact I’m pretty sure if there was just an image of Jacob’s ripped six pack on screen with swift changes to Edwards chiselled suicidal face then people would still watch it. If human kind could muster up some sort of in-humane torture for people guilty of war crimes, we should put these men or women in a room and make them watch the Twilight Saga on re-run till their brains are nothing more then mush. The psychological implications would mean the subjects would constantly repeat the ‘hotness’ of either Edward or Jacob thus rendering the criminals as useful as vegetables. This would then be regarded as capital punishment, if not worse. If breakthrough technology in the 21st centaury is the high point of man kind’s history then Twilight Eclipse is surely its lowest point. The creation of such an utterly useless movie which makes you question the existence of film industry itself.