Down among the dread men (From Times Series)

Down among the dread men

10:04am Wednesday 4th February 2009

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The late top-of-the-bill comedian and Fulham FC chairman Tommy Trinder joked about his side's reaction to a continuous flirtation with relegation: "When the players win a corner they want to do a lap of honour".

It hasn't quite got to that level at Barnet FC ... we don't seem to win many corners!

It's a mere one win in 18 attempts for the Bees and the most dramatic part of a Saturday afternoon in a Lancashire outpost like Accrington is watching the TV after the final whistle to see if the three teams below Barnet in League 2 have made up points.

As the legendary Liverpool manager Bill Shankly observed: "Football is not a matter of life or death ... it's more serious than that".

Eight of us travelled to Torquay for a weekend break to take in the away game against Exeter City and I thought we had cracked it when Dave Wilding returned to the hotel with two pairs of black and amber socks he had unearthed in a market.

Off we went to the match with high hopes ... but the socks were as ineffective as my "lucky" cashmere jacket and various forms of undergarments, stopping smoking and not having a haircut.

Perhaps we should take heed of the way that Tommy Trinder's Fulham reacted to adversity. In those happy-go-lucky days at Craven Cottage in the Sixties they introduced a system of paying incentive bonuses to the players UP TO 16th in the table. And they had a £1,000 party once a year at the Criterion at Piccadilly Circus to celebrate avoiding relegation.

I introduced Mrs S to the festivities one year. General manager Frank Osborne welcomed her to the bash by saying: "This isn't the wife you brought last year, is it?"

I used to call on Frank most mornings looking for stories for the old Evening News. One particular day I found him in the board room. wearing his usual tweed suit, trilby balanced precariously at the back of his head.

Frank was putting the bills into three piles on the board room table ..." got to pay" .. "wait" .. and ".... 'em".

I stood to the left of the door and, suddenly. Johnny Haynes, a great player who was England captain at the time, came in, opened the drinks cabinet and helped himself to a beer.

He was followed in by centre forward Maurice Cook, often demoralised by the perfectionist Haynes. "I want a transfer", said Maurice.

" .... off, I.m busy", said Frank. Maurice persisted, saying that he wasn't good enough for Fulham.

Frank got up, pushed his trilby further back and started perambulating around the table. "You're the best centre forward in the land", he said. "No, I'm rubbish". Maurice retorted. "Haynesey says so".

Frank's speed around the table accelerated as he continued to insist that Cook was the greatest. Suddenly he stopped in front of me. "This wouldn't happen at Arsenal", he said.

I felt that summed up the Fulham of Haynes, Bobby Robson and 1966 World Cup right back George Cohen.

I'll think of them when we are celebrating our next win at Underhill. Meanwhile, the "lucky" black and amber socks are in a drawer until next season gets under way in August.

PS The story of Maurice Cook's transfer request led the back page in the Evening News that afternoon.