PM's Questions and can-can councillors (From Times Series)

PM's Questions and can-can councillors

1:46pm Thursday 16th April 2009

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Wednesday isn't really Wednesday without Prime Minister's Question Time (PMQT). It takes the crescendo out of the political week, leaving it flat and lifeless - like Jacqui Smith's fringe after a particularly gruelling session in the recesses of the PM's left armpit during one of his more gesticular rants.

It must be hard for MPs too. Rather than launching those pent-up pheromones across the despatch box to a backdrop of baying hyenas, they are forced to tuck them away for another week and attend to such ridiculously sedate tasks as making policy and talking to constituents.

Suffice to say that by the time they return, they are more feisty than ever - each party bounding into the House like a bundle of amphetamine-laden electrons.

So this week, as the Commons sits in Easter recess, was a bit of a disappointment. Instead of a cathartic rise and release of pent-up political vitriol, we had just a plateau of simmering resentment. MPs made their usual denouncements - corrupt aides, hooligan policeman, fiddled expenses - but somehow without the PMQT pantomime at the end of it all, it just didn't offer the same satisfaction. It was like a series of dress-rehearsals without a performance.

That's why I think Barnet Council should sit in full session every week. Ok, so it's not quite the same as the Commons - nobody is dressed quite as smartly, and the seating arrangements are always a disappointment (no QT would be the same without the frontbench nodders wedged stiffly beside the PM's pumping forearms, or a healthy dose of competitive cleavage vying for position above his left temple) - but it does have its moments.

Take last week, for example, when many councillors seemed to remember they were there not to be constructive (a common error at these more amateur get togethers), but to don their Widow Twanky garb and throw sweets out to the crowd.

First Jack Cohen (Lib) compared Brian Coleman (Con) to a Staffordshire Bull Terrier because of his tendency to strut around in "bling" - to which Mr Coleman retorted that he, rather, saw himself as a "little cuddly dog" (cue sniggers all around).

Then, a few party political broadcasts later, the flirting resumed between the Libs and Mr Coleman when Monroe Palmer stood up to speak on behalf of stroke sufferers across the borough.

Not one to let a point get in the way of a circuitous hypothesis, Mr Palmer illustrated the problems facing stroke and acute trauma victims in Barnet (because of a proposal that the Royal Free should have no facilities) with an impressively detailed picture of the fate that could befall the GLA member should the proposals be made a reality.

"Let us consider a possible scenario," he said, looking solemn. "A Barnet councillor, one of those in the chamber now - let's assume it's Councillor Brian Coleman - is suffering because he is wearing too many badges and chains. Because he's attracting people, he's the one who might sadly suffer multiple injuries such as severe knife and gunshot wounds." (Cue sniggers.)

"So there he is at the new Hendon Town Hall - and I don't wish this on him for one moment," (cue guffaws), "And he has such major trauma that he has to be rushed from the Hall, with all its beautiful new furniture - which I hope is not spoiled by this incident - and what I ask is: would his friends - which, I would like to think, include me - want him to whip down in ten minutes to the Royal Free, or would they like him to go 45 minutes to Whitechapel?" (cue raucous hysteria).

"Quite honestly, I'm not going to think too deeply about that."

Mr Coleman took it all in good humour. So did the crowd. A little too much, in fact. If I was him, I would probably position my bling around my vital organs when walking home at night.

"Sorry, I'm just trying to overcome the fear I might have a trauma and get the kiss of life from Councillor Palmer," he said, winning the competition for most emetic statement of the night. "That would finish me off for good."

But then the humour got a bit out of hand. During the reading of an amendment by Gill Sargeant (Lab) on the cuts to sheltered housing warden services, Susette Palmer - who tends to knit her way through most gripes, but who was needle-free today - became perturbed by the sniggers coming from the Tories on her right.

"It's not funny, you know, it really isn't," she cried, leaping to her feet. "Oh Mr Mayor, can't you stop them? I would have thought you'd be in the age group who would want to listen to this." (Cue cheers, whoops, stamping of feet.)

But chairman John Marshall, Mayor of Barnet, was not impressed. Not because he is a Tory, of course - he is utterly, implacably apolitical as Mayor - but because the Libs had behaved "just as badly" throughout the meeting.

"Oh no we haven't," said Mrs Palmer.

"Oh yes you have," said the Mayor.

"Oh no they haven't," cried the crowd.

"Oh yes they have," cried the Tories.

Then Mr Marshall went too far. He used Mrs Palmer's knitting as a weapon against her.

"Sit down and go back to your wool," he barked, rising slightly from his chair to lend gravitas to his order. At which point Mrs Palmer stormed out - closely followed (rather touchingly) by Mr Palmer.

Then Ms Sargeant attempted to continue her amendment, got shouted down by Mr Marshall, refused to sit down, got shouted at by the Tories, received rallying cheers from the crowd ("Disgrace!", "Rubbish!"), got shouted at by Mr Marshall and the Tories, and finally sank back down in defeat.

Most of the rest of the meeting passed without heckle, sadly, but it was fun while it lasted. The fact is, full council meetings - like PMQTs - are an utter waste of time. No policy is debated, no arguments accepted, no party-lines broken. No minds are changed, no issues addressed, no problems solved.

It is a simple dance of democracy - a can-can with bloomers and high-kicks to the crowd.

But somehow life would be a much poorer thing without it.

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