Reading Caron Kemp's blog on her impending arrival makes me chuckle. When you have your first child it's all new. Tiny decisions can seem so important. Every milestone, first scan, first kick etc is a historic day in the family history. Us being a superstitious household, we put everything off till the last minute, for fear of tempting fate. So much so that when our first daughter was born, we were still discussing the most important decision up until the last moment. Maybe Caron might like to consider our experiences of this.


Some families have traditions in choosing names. The most extreme is George Foreman who called all of his 5 sons George - "Saves having to remember them". We had a slightly watered down version. My dad was called Laurie. He decided to call my eldest brother Laurie. When my brother Laurie, had his first son he called him Laurie. Now when this was announced, it was pointed out to Laurie, that as dad was Old Laurie and he was young Laurie, we'd have to be able to identify the new addition. No problem - baby Laurie. Then someone pointed out to my brother that if anything happened to dad, he'd become Old Laurie and baby Laurie would become young Laurie. Now my brother didn't like the sound of this, so baby Laurie became Chris !

My sister Val decided to reverse the tradition, she called her youngest boy Lawrence. Now this was clever because he had the name but we could uniquely identify him. It is funny how Lawrence, now 22 is definately Lawrence, not Laurie. Mind you he's an American and Laurie is a girls name there so I don't blame him.

As to us, we settled relatively early on the name for the baby. It was to Joe (Joseph). Close family were told. What happens if it's a girl? Oh it won't be, I feel it in my bones. My niece Pascal did the pendulum test and pronounced "It's a girl" - Silly girl, I announced.

As the final week approached, we sort of decided we'd better have a stop gap, just in case, but this changed every day. The baby wasn't coming out until the name had been decided. We couldn't agree, the baby wouldn't come out. A day late, a week late, 10 days late. Eventually it was decided that they'd induce the baby. The treatment was applied, but no, that baby wasn't coming out. It wanted a name if it was a girl. We agreed Madeleine and out popped our beautiful daughter.

Now this wasn't a family name at all. I called my mum to tell her. "How heavy is little Joe" she asked, not even giving me a chance to speak. "Mum, it's a girl, we're calling her Madeleine". My mum replied "Oh dear, never mind I've got a book of names and there are some nice ones in there if you want to have a look". I shot back "Mum, it's Madeleine and that is final". Mum said, "Oh well, if you must".

Now some of the family asked why I didn't consider Roger for a boy. Well my dad was to blame for that. In 1977, when I came home in a T-shirt for "The Clash - hate and war" and a badge for "The Vibrators" - he looked at me and said "I told your mother not to call you Roger. All of the Roger Tichborne's have been complete (naughty word beginning with B's)" It sort of put me off the idea. As to my second name. Well in our family, being Roman Catholics, it was traditional to have a Saint's name. Who did they choose for me "St Martin De Porre's" - the Patron Saint of Leper's. I was always proud of him, but it made for a monumental wind up at school.

Whatever Caron chooses, I hope she thinks carefully. Just remember that cute little baby will one day be 14 years at school. They may be in a class like my one, with a bunch of comedians. The name Roger is pretty unique. You can put just about any consonant in front of it and it can reduce a class of teenagers to paralysis. Bodger, Codger, Dodger, Podger, Lodger etc, etc.

If ever you've wondered why I'm so bitter and twisted now you know.