The importance of good manners

2:13pm Tuesday 19th June 2007

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The younger generation's lack of manners has long been lamented by their elders, with the finger of blame pointed at parents who don't teach their children to be polite.

And at the centre of the debate is dinner time, with decent table manners seen as a barometer for general politeness.

For most children, table manners are learned during family meals and, with the popularity of TV dinners and fast food, it might be assumed that the value of families eating together has been forgotten, and that it is children's manners that suffer as a result.

However, a new survey of British families found that 70 per cent of them eat at the dinner table at least three times a week, because they want to re-invest in traditional family rituals for the sake of their children's wellbeing'.

The parents questioned in the Fairy Knife and Fork' report also said they still encourage the children to sit around the table to teach them manners', with 50 per cent believing poor table manners will inhibit their children in later life.

It's for that very reason that the parenting website raisingkids.co.uk runs a Back to the Table campaign, which encourages parents to eat with their children whenever possible.

The site's founder, Dr Pat Spungin, says: "Parents are very conscious that what children learn at home will influence their life chances. One of the best places to demonstrate this is at the table, sharing a meal with the family, eating good food and talking to each other."

According to three quarters of those surveyed for the report, not saying please' or thank you' is the worst thing children and teens can do at the table.

Interestingly, nearly 65 per cent of parents feel that responsibility for manners and social etiquette lies with them, and only five per cent think poor manners are a result of failing schools and teachers. Yet there is increasing demand for outside agencies to teach children manners. One such agency is Ready4Life, which runs courses for 16-18-year-olds that include social etiquette classes among a mix of practical subjects and essential social skills.

The modern social etiquette lessons are taught by Sean Davoren, head butler at London's Lanesborough Hotel, and author of Manners From Heaven. He says: "Teaching manners is hard work - it's all about leading by example, and persistence.

"You do need to sit at a table with the children to eat meals together at least three or four times a week - they learn so much from that, as it's not just about eating, it's the social niceties too."

Davoren says some parents do expect schools to teach manners, but stresses: "That's not what they're there for. Parents are the first teachers for their children, and it's well worth teaching them manners yourself."

He says: "Good manners are about respecting the people around you. If you hold a door open for somebody, it makes you smile as well as them."

He says parents should simply get children to sit down for family meals as often as possible, make them use a knife and fork and put them on the plate when they've finished, and persevere by making them say please' and thank you'.

"It's like potty training - suddenly it just clicks, then you only have to remind them occasionally," he says. "Simple things like saying good morning, please and thank you make such a big difference to people. Politeness begets good behaviour - there's a knock-on effect, and it gives children a lot of confidence."