Mill Hill high score at pinball

9:19pm Monday 3rd March 2008

Ranleigh and Phoenix 1 - 8 Mill Hill It was a game of two halves. For the first 35 minutes, a shambolic Mill Hill were rescued only by two scrappy goals from Ryan Schlanders. During the second period, Nick Warr and even Mike Solomons discovered a Midas touch as the team shone but Ryan featured about as prominently as a tortoise at a giraffe auction.

At their best, the away side were pinging passes around like a pinball machine, with the same inevitability that, despite the flapping clearances of the defence, the ball would end up in the goal. Tap-in followed tap-in, every loose ball fell to a Mill Hill forward and while none of the short corners worked as intended, they almost all went in.

"Will England's rugby defeat make it into the match report?"

Ryan, trying to deflect attention from his own performance

Warr showed the forwards how to complete a hat-trick with a clinical performance, proving too strong, too skilful and too fast for the Ranleigh defence. Solomons, who can neither be described as strong, skilful or fast, nevertheless showed his poacher's instinct remains undimmed to net a brace. Lazlett, from a short corner finished off the second half goal rush, leaving the home team feeling rather inadequate. Not since the British took on the pigmy armies of Africa (armed only, you will recall, with over-ripe fruit) has there been a more uneven contest.

But it had all started so badly. Having trekked for hours to a wasteland in the soulless town of Reading, without even the opportunity to consult the local oracle, the team managed to enrage local sentiment by attempting to park outside a golf shop.

Visibly shaken by the tongue-lashing they had received from the proprietor, the team showed a lack of desire and organisation to conceed from a short corner. The embarrassment of going being to a team who had shipped nine in the two side's previous encounter soon turned to despair, as Dan and Evo picked out the enemy with their passes as unerringly as a Tomohawk missile. Even during the occasional spells of friendly fire when they manage to hit a team-mate, Mill Hill did little to threaten.

One of Ryan's less impressive flicks from a short corner levelled the scores and he finished cleanly when the ball went loose in the D to complete his scoring, but fortunately not that of the rest of the team. His dismal second half performance, however, couldn't damp his spirits in the bar afterwards as England lost the rugby.

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