An unofficial guide to Twitter

However, with the good, you will undoubtedly get the bad. Sort of like eating semi-cooked chicken, at first, the chewy half cooked taste is attractive; almost lamb like but before you know it your stomach turns into a cement mixer. Unfortunately you must eventually face the awful ramifications.

The proverbial excrement in terms of twitter is some of its members. You will firstly find a ‘followers/follower’ superiority factor. Your ‘worth’ is thus determined on how many ‘followers’ you have like some sort of online eugenicist experiment. I estimate a campaign for online equality will ensue by 2015.

‘Celebrity tweeters’ are followed religiously by some people constantly asking for a ‘follow back’ which would ‘obviously’ change their lives for the better. Piers Morgan manages to remain irritable even through his tweets whilst Alistair Campbell breaks records in peddling at least 10 lies a day.

Then there are those who let their emotions out on twitter. These over-emotional individuals feel it’s necessary to announce every facet of their lives to the world. Par example: ‘lifeistough: Frustratingly found out my dog has pee’d on my Wii console, the irony makes me want to cry, life is hard.’ Admittedly, this made-up example is of an over-emotional and rather witty gizmo geek.

You’ll get the spammers who send tweets consisting of everything from weight watchers to advice on how to walk a dog. These tweeters will urge you to follow them (follow @Zainthepoet) or spam you their links (check out www.wordsapart7.blogspot.com for poetry) and they will stop at nothing to do so.

Often, you’ll get tweeters who regurgitate the same thing over and over until your brain turns to mush from reading the same irrelevant point but this time it’s expressed in CAPS LOCK. People regularly comment on issues they don’t understand and unnecessarily try to (in terms of London slang this is also known as ‘begging it.’)

To round up the rests, you’ll get the subliminal flirts, the dangerously deranged humans who strongly believe twitter is their reality and the online persona’s who refuse to be real. Like all technology, there are positives and negatives and it all depends on how you use it. Ultimately, you decide who you follow and what information is processed to your brain and that is the beauty of it (which also explains my passion for semi-cooked chicken.)

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