Mill Hill 9 -0 Phoenix It was a result more comprehensive than Grange Hill, one of the most clear cut sporting outcomes since Elton John challenged Mike Tyson to a thumb war. It was David against Goliath: except David left his sling at home in his lunchbox.

While not quite reaching double figures, Mill Hill were supreme in notching up their second clean sheet of the season. Things were so quiet at the back that Marc Scut was able to complete his jumbo sudoko puzzle book and teach Dave Evans the alphabet from A to D before half time. (The second half saw a couple of short corners and difficulties with the pronunciation of Elephant so F will have to wait until the return fixture) Ryan Schlanders opened the scoring with the predictability of a late train, smashing the ball through an evasive goalkeeper. He got a second with a reverse stick strike that Duncan Hooper had taught him during the warm-up. The technique, while not quite perfected, reaped rewards again in the second half to put Schlanders on the way to a five-goal haul.

While it could be argued that the allies could have won the second world war without South Africa, the same is not often true of Mill Hill. But heroic contributions from other Commonwealth countries put the seal on Saturday's victory. A Scotsman, Craig McIntyre scored two sweet goals, the second following one of the most incisive passing moves of the season. Apay Obang Oyway's close range finish ensured a mention on the score-sheet for the north of the continent while Mike Soloman epitomised exactly why British workers are losing out to immigrants in the employment markets by missing the simplest of chances from close range.

However, the day belonged to the stag. Dan Stockhill, refusing explicit instructions to get out of the way of Mill Hill's slick short corner regime, sent the ball dribbling over the line while attempting something else altogether. What exactly he was trying is as obscure to everyone else as his own memories of later in the evening will be to him.